here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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