shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Michael Bay diarrhea
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
