you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Randomize
