I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
