I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
