i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
