So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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