i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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