I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
