My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
