What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
i think my cat just said my name.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize