This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
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He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
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Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.