my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
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i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
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She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.