I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
She announced her abortion via fbk
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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