I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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