my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
