Im at strip club and am horny
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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