I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
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