No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Can you bring me the toilet please
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
