Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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