Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
someone owes me an orgasm
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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