i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
