shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I have post one night stand depression
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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