epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
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