nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
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