i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
