forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
