Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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