When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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