pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
