I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
