im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
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