I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
love makes seman taste better
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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