I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
