HIV tests are more positive than that guy
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
