so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
