just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
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How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
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I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
We need to get me chipped asap
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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