I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
