Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
