Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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