Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
