i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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