We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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