I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
My vagina just recognized that song.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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