The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
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so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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