Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
