He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
