I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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