It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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