Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
jump out the window naked night went bad
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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