So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
My life is pants optional.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
