you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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