Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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