i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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