i'm signing you up for texting rehab
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
