dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
