It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
